So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
