Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize