I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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