i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
