when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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