Just fell off a train. Bad.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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