i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
