The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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