I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
