I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
