I need help removing her.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
