I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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