why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
