the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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