i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
