My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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