i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
