I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
