u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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