the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize