Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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