Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
