Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
