my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Randomize
