just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize