dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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