Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
