we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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