I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Sober January is a disaster.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
pray to the hookup gods
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
