why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize