i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
