i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
