We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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