I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
