Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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