I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
