he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
