when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
