i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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