I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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