My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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