The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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