the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
