I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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