you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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