I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
