his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
