At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
