awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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