After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I looked at my own cervix.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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