Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
