He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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