I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize