if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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