We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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