I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
