They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
