I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize